I hate this place. I have always felt different from everyone, but my trip to Ashland, Oregon made me realize my need to get out of here.
I spent 16 hours in a van full of "drama-club girls". Better yet, I was the only non-white person there. I was also the only religious person there. And I was the only person coming from a family who likes Bush. How much more alienation can you get? People asked me why I was so quiet during the trip, and my answer was always something like, "There's too much estrogen flying around. I just needed time by myself."
That was about half true. I hate girls, especially slutty girls and girls that think they're better than you just because they come from a wealthier family, or they've had the lead role in a stupid school play. I can't stand hanging out with girls for two days in a row. My trip lasted four days. Non-stop. And I had to share a room with three of them.
The car ride to and from Ashland was the worst. They sang songs from musicals, danced in the van, talked, talked, and talked some more. I tried to sleep, and when someone asked me a question, I just pretended to sleep about 3/4 of the way. The other 1/4 I spent reading and silently singing along to a chorus. Everything and everyone pissed me off, but I just kept it inside because I knew that if I showed one ounce of my true emotions, it would all explode in their faces and I wouldn't be able to stop it. So I kept quiet.
When we arrived at Ashland, I was put into a room of three other girls. One was the house and program director of most of the school plays/musicals in her time. She isolates, but is still noticed. She's also a lesbian and is visually different from everyone else. She reads teen magazines and attempts to fit in with everyone else as opposed to myself, who only socialize with people for my benefit.
Another girl from our cabin is probably one of the most talkative people on the trip. Probably half of the people on the trip hate her, but are too "nice" or cowardly to admit to it. She's nice, though and she was one of the two girls I actually wanted to talk to. She might have been annoying, but she was kind-hearted and made everyone feel comfortable. She was a person who I can pretend to be, but will never be deep inside.
The other girl from our cabin was also very talkative, but she wasn't as kind-hearted as the other. She was nice, sure, but I knew there was something she was hiding. It seemed as if she was trying to be like anyone else, but unlike girl number one, she wasn't as obvious about it.
Then there's me. The girl who decided to take drama her junior year, the one who tried out for the Spring Musical but didn't get a part even though she was one of the few that actually looks like she belongs to the plot of the play, the one who simply can't stand 98.45 percent of the people in the whole performing arts "clique". The ambiguously bitter girl who no one knows anything of, so they end up labeling her as "the Asian".
Three of us, girl number 2, 3, and me, ended up sleeping in one bed. We had two in the room, but the first girl wanted to sleep on the floor because (we supposed) she didn't want to make one of us uncomfortable by sleeping with her for three nights. I was the first to tell her she's stupid for wanting to sleep on the floor, so number 2, 3, and I decided to sleep in a bed together out of pity for girl number 1. Personally, I only agreed to that because I didn't want to be the one who ended up sleeping with girl number 1. No offense to lesbians, but I still can't figure out how a girl would find another girl attractive enough to want to lick that girl's pussy. I find the whole thing disgusting. In the other hand, I adore gay men and I absoultely understand how men find other men attractive. I'm not a homophobe. I just love men. Specially gay ones. I think I'm a gay man trapped in a woman's body. Like Pamela Anderson.
Anyways, the plays that we saw were astounding. I don't regret ever comming to the trip, I just really didn't like the people that I had to go with. For instance, on our way home, we made a stop at some random rest-place. We were in the parking lot on our way out, when a man handed the driver (one of two of our chaperones) a laminated sheet of colored paper. He said "God Bless You" as he handed her the paper. On it, had a bunch of excerpts and proverbs from the Bible. Our chaperone basically screams with horror and THREW the paper at the man's face. She then goes on about how ignorant religious people are, and how Kerry is "da bomb" and Bush is just another moron. And stuff. Don't get me wrong, I'm not a Bush lover or an anti-Kerry yuppie, but what she did was just....... ugh. There is no rightful word for what she did. The saddest part is, everone in the van rooted her on. I felt so alienated. And disgusted.
I think I'm done writing on this dusty blog for the day. I just had to get some of that out of my system. I already told my mom about it, and cried to myself on my bed for all the frustration built in me. I've only written 1/16 of the things that happened on the trip, and depending on my mood, I may or may not be writing about it every again. But the experience is still going to stay with me. The experience that taught me that I can no longer live here and maintain the little sane I have left. I'm leaving this God-forsaken place forever whenever I have the chance to.... possibly after high school.
